Long before I found essential oils, I had my own thriving, successful, and growing wedding and event planning company. I found my passion after being in the mortgage business straight out of high school. I loved helping people, and I was doing that with the mortgage industry. I felt accomplished because here I was this young girl making REALLY good money and living life like an adult. I had a career! However, things started to get really shady in that industry fast. Right before the market went down the crapper there was this new program called “REVERSE MORTGAGES”. Not to get in too deep with this, but its program for senior citizens to basically get some money while getting ripped off. When this program came out I found myself hating what I did; I was miserable. I knew I needed a change.
So, I decided to open up my own wedding planning company. I knew I would have to work and do this part-time for a while. So I offered my services for FREE for like a year! Yea a year to get my name established and get some experience. After I got on my feet I started booking weddings left and right. I was doing it… I was really a business owner at the age of 22.
When I was 23 I had my first child, my son Tristan. I was a confused, scared, and a lost mom. I felt like nothing I was doing was good enough. He was an awesome baby, but I knew nothing else. I had never been around a baby. He was emotionally difficult. As I always say, Tristan has BIG feelings. So not knowing what to do or how to deal with it (or even how not to take it personally), I buried myself in my business, because well I was good at that. I had control and I was successful at it.
A few days a week I would have meetings with clients (when my son was in school), on top of negotiating, doing paperwork, designing and everything in between. All while trying to raise my son. Obviously my child came first, but what should have fulfilled me as a mom didn’t. My Fridays were either me doing a wedding or a rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. My weekends were go, go, go with weddings. I barely had time in my life for me let alone my husband.
We really wanted to expand our family and have another baby. We tried for about 2 years and it just wasn’t happening. I was frustrated, sad, depressed, defeated. I felt like I was broken. I worried about something medically being wrong with me. Those negative thoughts ran rampant through my mind daily. I buried them as best as I could and focused on my son and my business. I was busier than ever. Planning and coordinating dream weddings like you see on TV. Over the top, extravagant, no budget weddings. I was involved with a lot of elite circles and the charity circuit. Which wasn’t my thing, but hey it was good for my business. Business could not have been better. I was able to create dreams, help, and be inspired and creative. Everything I lived for.
So fast forward a few years to December 2011; after a long heartfelt conversation (and what felt at the time to be an ultimatum) with my husband, he expressed how alone he felt. And then basically in a nut shell told me that me working so much was inadvertently stressing me out. I didn’t see what he was seeing. He explained to me that this business, although I enjoyed it, was toxic for me. He went on to say how I am consumed with it, always on the phone or computer. I would snap easily and be snippy etc. Naturally, I got defensive and my pride was strong. It took a few weeks to suck all that up and realize I was self-destructing. Nothing was worth losing my husband over. I once too felt very alone in our marriage, so I could relate. I was heavily involved with Crossfit on top of this all… so, you can only imagine the mental and physical stress my body was going through.
Finally, the beginning of 2012 I decided to close my fancy office on Palm Beach, and I decided to finish out the contracts I had (which were two years out). I figured I would be busy with events and weddings for the next couple years. I was in denial a bit, but I was ok. I figured I would let it slow down, and then pick it back up. Boy I had no idea what was about to hit me.
Mid-January I packed up my office on the island to move everything to my home based office. Tristan was in school. I was working on coffee… no food. I was feeling sentimental, sad, and like all my hard work, success, and my reputation would be flushed down the effing toilet. I was resentful because I felt like I had no other option. When your husband basically tells you he’s lonely and you’re choosing a business over family, that’s a hard pill to swallow. You start to worry that well, if I am not making him happy someone else will. I didn’t want that! I know that being a mom is the MOST important job that I will ever have… in so many ways. But, like I said I felt like I wasn’t a good mom because I had no idea what I was doing (or so I thought). I didn’t know how to read my son with his emotions. A part of me felt like he was so difficult emotionally because of something I did (I had no idea but the mom guilt was consuming). I felt like my husband was a better parent. And, basically when your husband tells you that not only is he lonely but my stress and absence on the weekends was effecting my son, you feel even shittier. All of these emotions were going crazy in me. I wasn’t eating or sleeping and that ended up taking a toll as well.
I finally got home with all of the contents from my office, and as I unloaded everything I figured I was going to hang some photos. I felt very shaky, like the adrenaline was pumping through my body. I recognized what was going on and I yet again tried to bury the feeling. I thought “hmmm I don’t like this feeling, something is wrong, this isn’t normal.” I kept going trying to distract myself. As I was searching for a drill or screw driver I saw it. It freaked me out and totally sent me into a full fledged panic attack. The crazy ass thoughts going through my mind were overwhelming and horrifying…. and that’s when all hell broke loose.
::::: TO BE CONTINUED :::::
HAHAH DONT LET THE SUSPENSE KILL YOU
